The Sex Toy Story

Here is a video that has gained some popularity on Buzzfeed’s website this week and I’ll warn you- it’s not your typical cat video. It’s actually a video of men using male sex toys for the first time. Don’t worry, you don’t see anything.

I think what makes this video particularly interesting is that in the video, the men keep referring to a stigma that is attached to men’s sex toys. The men are noticeably uncomfortable about trying these “fleshlights” and some are even hesitant to try them again, even after they find the toys quite pleasurable. I think this highlights a double standard in regard to male and female sexuality that we have yet to discuss in class, a double standard between male and female sex toy use. Men’s sex toys hold a negative stigma, while women’s sex toys are an accepted, if not an encouraged, part of women’s sexuality.

Why does this double standard exist? As one sex blogger put it in the blog It’s Not That Weird, it’s a “result of the perception that men who want to have sex yet can’t find a partner are sexually unsuccessful and pathetic, while women who want to have sex and can’t find a partner are either not at fault or are choosing to be celibate for some reason or another” (JuliasThoughts, 2011). I think this stereotype rings true for a lot of peoples’ thoughts about sex toys which is clearly evidenced through the men in the video above. There is a stigma attached to men’s sex toys that has yet to be cleared and normalized. Whereas women’s sex toys have gone through the process to sexual freedom that researcher Margot Weiss highlights in her article, “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media.”

The time line for normalizing minority sexualities is as follows: “first representation and visibility, next acceptance or tolerance of the minority, then an empathetic form of understanding, and finally sexual freedom” (Weiss, 2006).

While Weiss’s article focuses on BDSM and SM practices in mainstream media and not sex toy use, I think her explanation of SM’s road to sexual freedom is undeniably similar to that of sex toys. Women’s sex toys have gone through this road to sexual freedom, but this does not mean it is necessarily a win for female sexual empowerment. In fact, I think it might even represent the double bind women face in regard to sexuality. It has been found time and time again in media that women are encouraged to act as sexual gatekeepers and refrain from having too much sex with men (Ward, 1995). Yet, it has also been found that women shouldn’t be prudish and celibate, they should passively employ tactics to attract and have sex with men (Ward, 1995). This could explain why sex toys are a normalized and encouraged part of female sexuality, sex toys are a solution to the double bind women face. Similar to how Weiss explains that BDSM is accepted in mainstream media, BDSM and sex toy use are only OK when it fits into our heterosexual, male-dominated ideals about sexuality (2006). Female sex toys might only have sexual freedom because they keep women from having sex with men, but also allow them to have some sort of sex.

On the other hand, male sex toy use is stigmatized and discouraged arguably because it goes against the accepted norm that sex is a defining part of masculinity (Ward, 1995). If men aren’t having sex with women, they aren’t masculine. Even further, if men are using sex toys to masturbate, they are definitely not masculine. Oh, it gets worse, the man is now arguably feminine, because sex toys are only acceptable for women. (insert eye-roll here). I think male sex toy use goes against the stereotyped norm for male sexuality, hence why it is simply not OK.

While it is encouraging to see male sex toy use represented in media (Weiss’s first step to sexual freedom), especially in a media site as popular as Buzzfeed, I think there is a lot of work to do if sexual freedom is to be achieved for men’s sex toys. This video displays a double standard that exists in regard to female and male sexuality, which is really important and interesting to note. But arguably more important, it demonstrates that sexual freedom may still rest on the back of stereotypes, norms, and sexual scripts that have been perpetuated for years through male-dominated sexual relationships. And while I would never say it is a bad thing that women have sexual freedom in regard to sex toy use, it was good to take a step back and really think about where this sexual freedom came from. 

References:

JuliasThoughts. (2011, May 10). The stigma of male sex toys. Retrieved from http://www.itsnotthatweird.com/2011/05/the-stigma-of-male-sex-toys/

Ward, L.M. (1995). Talking about sex: Common themes about sexuality in the prime-time television programs children and adolescents view most. Journal of Youth and Adolescenes, 24(5), 595-615.

Weiss, M. (2006). Mainstreaming kink: The politics of BDSM representation in U.S. popular media. Journal of Homosexuality, 50(2/3), 103-132.